My Assignment of Refinement

Last week, I started a post about a crappy day I was having. A few weeks before that, I started a post about something else, and probably a few weeks before that, I had another started.

But did I publish any of them? Big fat nope.

I’ve written on my blog fairly often since January, when I swore I’d be more present. However, I haven’t published anything because I keep thinking, “Who will want to read this?”

I realized something this week, though. I have got to stop holding myself back. I do it way more than I realize, and it’s more detrimental than I realize. I love to write and share myself through my blog. It doesn’t even really matter to me how many people read it; the process alone fulfills me, and I’ve been neglecting myself of that.

I started a new online Bible study on Monday, and I give it much of the credit for getting me back to posting. The book is 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit by Nicki Koziarz, and the study is through Proverbs 31 Ministries (www.proverbs31.org). The book uses the story of Ruth to delve into these five habits, the first of which is “She accepts her assignment of refinement.”

I’ve got to say, I am loving it. It’s challenging me to rethink my attitudes and actions, and I’ve realized just how much of a quitter I have been. And while that’s not exactly a fun revelation, I feel inspired to make changes and pursue my goals today instead of tomorrow.

I want to not only accept, but also embrace my assignment of refinement. I want to leave behind my comfortable area of not publishing my posts because I worry about what others might think. I want to be me bravely and find out who I really am a writer. I want to grow, and I’ll never do that if I don’t try.

This is probably going to be messy and random and kind of weird at times, but that’s pretty much me. That’s how God made me, and I’m going to embrace it instead of using as an excuse to quit yet again.

Today’s Nap Time Presents: Productivity!

It’s nap time. Usually, this is the time I use to fold laundry and veg out in front of the TV, but I decided laundry can wait today so that I could pay a much needed visit to my blog.

I’m sure I’m not the only who feels this way right now, but holy heck, when did time kick into warp speed? I’m pretty sure Owen just started preschool a couple weeks ago, but the calendar tells me it’s been over six weeks already. And his birthday — big number four! — is in just five days.

(Which means my birthday — big number 30! — is in just 12 days. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about this yet.)

Time is definitely getting away from me too much lately. I haven’t prioritized my writing at all, except to put out my monthly post for Her View From Home. I need to get myself together, though, as I’m really hoping to accomplish something I first set out to do three years ago: Write a novel during NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in November.

I started out pretty good during November 2012, but probably didn’t even make it through two weeks. And to be honest, I can’t remember what I was writing about. Like no clue at all, for real.

I signed up again in November 2013, but didn’t even start writing, as I decided to use more of my spare time to prepare for Archer’s arrival. I was at least successful in that endeavor…seriously, you should have seen how stocked my freezer was with meals.

November 2014 came and went without me signing up at all. Nap time for Archer was still pretty random, even at 10 months old, and it usually ended up with me holding him the whole time, which equals no free hands to type.

So now, as we’re closing in on November 2015, I’m ready to give it another go, and I’m really hoping this is the year I can get myself together and actually do this thing. I’ll admit, I’m not off to a good start. Instead of spending my “nap time free time” preparing, I’ve been binging on TV, reading (which is at least a good thing!), or napping myself.

I keep waiting to find the right time of the day to work on my writing, and I’ve been letting golden opportunities slide by each day. I tell myself it’s not worth it to get started on something in case Archer decides to cut his nap short, but that is such a lame excuse. I’ve even talked to Randy a bit about having my own “office hours” in the evenings sometimes, and he was all for it. But for some reason, I’ve been letting those opportunities pass by too.

My problem is that I sabotage myself. There is a little voice in the back of my mind that constantly tells me I can’t do it. That I’ll start, but I won’t finish. That it wouldn’t be good anyway.

I’m working on silencing that voice. It helps that a bigger voice that’s not my own is tugging on my heart. I can’t know God’s exact plans for my life, but I feel pretty confident that writing my novel is part of them. I don’t think I’ve truly had that reassurance in the past, so I really do think this year will be different.

For now, I’m going to use the next three and a half weeks to work on implementing the changes I need to make to be successful. You might see me blogging on here a lot more often. If not, it’s hopefully because I’m preparing for November!

just write something, heather

I’ve been feeling really uninspired lately. Or perhaps just lazy. Either way, I’ve spent far too much time away from my blog.

For me, writing is kind of like a pile of laundry that needs folded. I want to do it…I really do. And I enjoy doing it. Seriously, folding clothing into neat piles gives me such a feeling of satisfaction.

But sometimes I fall behind. We might have a busy weekend or I might have so much laundry to do that folding just doesn’t happen in favor of simply getting the loads in and out of the washer and dryer. Then a pile of clean, unfolded clothes builds up and becomes so daunting that I just ignore it for awhile.

Writing is unfolded laundry. Like creating those neatly organized piles, writing brings me so much satisfaction. It’s my favorite way to express myself because I can be so socially awkward and incoherent in person sometimes. Writing gives me a chance to process my thoughts. It often doesn’t even take me much longer to write something than it does to say it, but that extra little bit of time to think makes all the difference.

So why don’t I write more? Seriously, I’ve blogged about this before. This is not a new problem for me at all. I can’t blame being a mom and try to use my kids as an excuse. I simply just don’t giving writing enough priority in my life. And maybe I haven’t really had anything good to say lately either, but the longer that keeps up, the harder it is to tackle. Just like the laundry.

I’m looking forward to the changes autumn is going to bring. I know spring is the season of new life, but I think autumn, at least for me, is equally revitalizing. I do better with a schedule, and now that I’ll have a preschooler (sob), schedules will be my best friend.

(And I just really love fall. It’s such a relief after ridiculously hot summer days, and frankly, I’d take autumn-kissed foliage over spring flowers almost any day.)

I’m hoping this post is the catalyst to get the funk out of my system. I’ve been putting if off for weeks months, but it’s time to get back to it. I know I do have plenty to say that’s worthwhile, if I just give myself the chance to do it. Maybe I’ll even finally focus on my real goal — to write a novel. I know what you’re thinking…if she can barely keep up a blog, how is she going to manage a book?

Believe me, I think this all the time, which is probably what’s been holding me back. I haven’t had the confidence to really begin, but I’m getting there. I’d fill you in more, but this post is getting entirely too long the way it is, so I’ll save it for another someday.

Boy, it felt good to get that all out!

10 Minutes (Okay, More Like 15) of Random

I realize I haven’t posted anything for awhile, so I thought I’d better step up my game and get some writing done. I’m going to take inspiration from a fellow blogger and set a timer for 10 minutes and just write. Here we go…

So, since the last time I blogged, Archer has started walking. He seriously went from taking just a few steps at a time to full-blown walking like a pro in a matter of days. He’ll be a year old in a month now, and that month is going to fly by since it will be filled with all sorts of holiday busyness.

Every time I stop and think about how big both my boys are getting, I honestly feel my heart break a little. Don’t get me wrong — I absolutely love watching them grow up. Each new stage is full of exciting new developments that just thrill me. Owen has done some of the funniest things lately. He is so expressive and full of stories and ideas.

However, these boys are growing up so fast, and I can’t lie — I’m scared to death of the impending teenage years. I feel like I’m going to blink and they’ll be here. I know when the time comes, there will absolutely be so many things to love about having teenagers. I also know I just need to stop worrying and cherish the stages we’re at now. And I do, which is why I think it breaks my heart to say goodbye to them. When I look at Owen, I just can’t believe he once used to be so tiny. It’s the same with Archer now too. I feel like I just gave birth to him yesterday, not nearly a year ago.

I suppose it’s true that the older you get the faster time seems to go. My 10 writing minutes just sped by in what felt like two minutes. I could probably keep going, but as it is nearing midnight, I am going to choose sleep instead. I’ve fallen asleep on the couch too many times in the last few weeks, and I’m starting to slowly accept the fact that I simply can’t pull late nights any more. And since my boys are determined for me to become a morning person, I really shouldn’t be attempting these late nights anyway. Maybe I’ll start waking up earlier so I can write before they wake up.

That’s a big maybe. I’ll let you know how it goes.