My Assignment of Refinement

Last week, I started a post about a crappy day I was having. A few weeks before that, I started a post about something else, and probably a few weeks before that, I had another started.

But did I publish any of them? Big fat nope.

I’ve written on my blog fairly often since January, when I swore I’d be more present. However, I haven’t published anything because I keep thinking, “Who will want to read this?”

I realized something this week, though. I have got to stop holding myself back. I do it way more than I realize, and it’s more detrimental than I realize. I love to write and share myself through my blog. It doesn’t even really matter to me how many people read it; the process alone fulfills me, and I’ve been neglecting myself of that.

I started a new online Bible study on Monday, and I give it much of the credit for getting me back to posting. The book is 5 Habits of a Woman Who Doesn’t Quit by Nicki Koziarz, and the study is through Proverbs 31 Ministries (www.proverbs31.org). The book uses the story of Ruth to delve into these five habits, the first of which is “She accepts her assignment of refinement.”

I’ve got to say, I am loving it. It’s challenging me to rethink my attitudes and actions, and I’ve realized just how much of a quitter I have been. And while that’s not exactly a fun revelation, I feel inspired to make changes and pursue my goals today instead of tomorrow.

I want to not only accept, but also embrace my assignment of refinement. I want to leave behind my comfortable area of not publishing my posts because I worry about what others might think. I want to be me bravely and find out who I really am a writer. I want to grow, and I’ll never do that if I don’t try.

This is probably going to be messy and random and kind of weird at times, but that’s pretty much me. That’s how God made me, and I’m going to embrace it instead of using as an excuse to quit yet again.

January Again…

Well, this is weird. Exactly one year ago today, I wrote about January and it’s unwillingness to end. Then this morning, I finally (FINALLY!) open up the old blog to write again, ironically about how January is actually not too terrible this year. I really didn’t plan this — I’ve just been putting off writing for the entire month…and the last two months before as well.

I do kind of have an excuse. A few weeks into November, all the glory of the first trimester of pregnancy hit. (By the way, surprise! In a good way…it was a planned surprise, if that makes sense…but I digress.) I felt nauseous on and off almost every day. Nights were the worst, and I went to bed as soon as I could after getting the boys down. This pretty much went on until a little after Christmas, when I finally began to feel back to somewhat normal.

Needless to say, writing was something I didn’t do much during that time. I could barely keep up with housework and Christmas preparations, let alone anything else. I wrote my monthly posts for Her View From Home and called it good. I failed dismally at NaNoWriMo, although I actually get a decent start.

I’m a couple weeks into my second trimester now, though. I no longer require a nap every day to function normally, and I even had enough energy to finally finish painting my kitchen cabinets (which I started in October…) and take down Christmas decorations last weekend. My house is — or I should say was by now — clean for a few days, and it felt good. Still does actually, even though there are a few stray cheerios in the living room.

Maybe it’s the physical and mental energy boost I’ve gotten from starting my second trimester, but I haven’t hated January this year. It’s kind of going by quickly, which is great. Plus, I’ve totally lucked out and missed bad weather on the days I needed to drive out of town for doctor appointments. That’s pretty fortunate, considering the decent amount of snow we have.

I guess that is also the reason I haven’t even gotten around to blogging yet. The month has kind of gotten away from me. That just does not happen in January, but I’ve had enough things to catch up on that I ended up making a to-do list to keep it all straight. And I love me a good to-do list.

I’m starting to feel like this has been random, babbling post, so I’m going to call it good. It’s always tricky to get back into the habit of writing — especially when I can’t really call it a habit without feeling like a sham. I’m going to change that this year, although I’m warning you now, I’ll probably do another disappearing act in July.

It will be for a good reason, though (a baby!), and I’ll eventually be back, like I always am.

Today’s Nap Time Presents: Productivity!

It’s nap time. Usually, this is the time I use to fold laundry and veg out in front of the TV, but I decided laundry can wait today so that I could pay a much needed visit to my blog.

I’m sure I’m not the only who feels this way right now, but holy heck, when did time kick into warp speed? I’m pretty sure Owen just started preschool a couple weeks ago, but the calendar tells me it’s been over six weeks already. And his birthday — big number four! — is in just five days.

(Which means my birthday — big number 30! — is in just 12 days. I’m not exactly sure how I feel about this yet.)

Time is definitely getting away from me too much lately. I haven’t prioritized my writing at all, except to put out my monthly post for Her View From Home. I need to get myself together, though, as I’m really hoping to accomplish something I first set out to do three years ago: Write a novel during NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) in November.

I started out pretty good during November 2012, but probably didn’t even make it through two weeks. And to be honest, I can’t remember what I was writing about. Like no clue at all, for real.

I signed up again in November 2013, but didn’t even start writing, as I decided to use more of my spare time to prepare for Archer’s arrival. I was at least successful in that endeavor…seriously, you should have seen how stocked my freezer was with meals.

November 2014 came and went without me signing up at all. Nap time for Archer was still pretty random, even at 10 months old, and it usually ended up with me holding him the whole time, which equals no free hands to type.

So now, as we’re closing in on November 2015, I’m ready to give it another go, and I’m really hoping this is the year I can get myself together and actually do this thing. I’ll admit, I’m not off to a good start. Instead of spending my “nap time free time” preparing, I’ve been binging on TV, reading (which is at least a good thing!), or napping myself.

I keep waiting to find the right time of the day to work on my writing, and I’ve been letting golden opportunities slide by each day. I tell myself it’s not worth it to get started on something in case Archer decides to cut his nap short, but that is such a lame excuse. I’ve even talked to Randy a bit about having my own “office hours” in the evenings sometimes, and he was all for it. But for some reason, I’ve been letting those opportunities pass by too.

My problem is that I sabotage myself. There is a little voice in the back of my mind that constantly tells me I can’t do it. That I’ll start, but I won’t finish. That it wouldn’t be good anyway.

I’m working on silencing that voice. It helps that a bigger voice that’s not my own is tugging on my heart. I can’t know God’s exact plans for my life, but I feel pretty confident that writing my novel is part of them. I don’t think I’ve truly had that reassurance in the past, so I really do think this year will be different.

For now, I’m going to use the next three and a half weeks to work on implementing the changes I need to make to be successful. You might see me blogging on here a lot more often. If not, it’s hopefully because I’m preparing for November!

just write something, heather

I’ve been feeling really uninspired lately. Or perhaps just lazy. Either way, I’ve spent far too much time away from my blog.

For me, writing is kind of like a pile of laundry that needs folded. I want to do it…I really do. And I enjoy doing it. Seriously, folding clothing into neat piles gives me such a feeling of satisfaction.

But sometimes I fall behind. We might have a busy weekend or I might have so much laundry to do that folding just doesn’t happen in favor of simply getting the loads in and out of the washer and dryer. Then a pile of clean, unfolded clothes builds up and becomes so daunting that I just ignore it for awhile.

Writing is unfolded laundry. Like creating those neatly organized piles, writing brings me so much satisfaction. It’s my favorite way to express myself because I can be so socially awkward and incoherent in person sometimes. Writing gives me a chance to process my thoughts. It often doesn’t even take me much longer to write something than it does to say it, but that extra little bit of time to think makes all the difference.

So why don’t I write more? Seriously, I’ve blogged about this before. This is not a new problem for me at all. I can’t blame being a mom and try to use my kids as an excuse. I simply just don’t giving writing enough priority in my life. And maybe I haven’t really had anything good to say lately either, but the longer that keeps up, the harder it is to tackle. Just like the laundry.

I’m looking forward to the changes autumn is going to bring. I know spring is the season of new life, but I think autumn, at least for me, is equally revitalizing. I do better with a schedule, and now that I’ll have a preschooler (sob), schedules will be my best friend.

(And I just really love fall. It’s such a relief after ridiculously hot summer days, and frankly, I’d take autumn-kissed foliage over spring flowers almost any day.)

I’m hoping this post is the catalyst to get the funk out of my system. I’ve been putting if off for weeks months, but it’s time to get back to it. I know I do have plenty to say that’s worthwhile, if I just give myself the chance to do it. Maybe I’ll even finally focus on my real goal — to write a novel. I know what you’re thinking…if she can barely keep up a blog, how is she going to manage a book?

Believe me, I think this all the time, which is probably what’s been holding me back. I haven’t had the confidence to really begin, but I’m getting there. I’d fill you in more, but this post is getting entirely too long the way it is, so I’ll save it for another someday.

Boy, it felt good to get that all out!

In Memoriam

“Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that The Lord has promised to those who love Him.” James 1:12.

Last week, I began an online Bible study through the Proverbs 31 website. The study is focused on the book, What Happens When Women Walk in Faith, by Lysa TerKeurst. While it’s only been a week, I’ve already gotten so much just from reading the book and recording notes in a journal.

On Tuesday evening (the second day of the study), part of the personal Bible study involved looking up the meaning of my name and finding a verse to accompany it. I wasn’t sure how easy this would be, considering Heather means “a flowering evergreen plant that thrives on peaty barren lands.” I began my search with the word “thrive,” but I wasn’t finding a verse that seemed quite right. Eventually, I searched the word “persevere,” and that’s when I came upon James 1:12. It seemed perfect, so I wrote it down in my journal.

On Wednesday, my world crashed down a little when I found out my grandma suddenly passed away. Although she had health concerns and was in the hospital, her death was very unexpected and devastating. It still doesn’t feel real most of the time. I know she’s home with the Lord now, and while that brings me some comfort, it’s still hard to realize I’ll never see her here on earth again.

For the next few days after my grandma passed, I pushed my Bible study away and all but forgot about James 1:12. My family and I kept busy helping with funeral plans, and by the end of the day, I was so emotionally drained that I could barely stay awake past nine.

We said goodbye to my grandma on Saturday. Trying to deal with two toddlers during a funeral service is not much fun, but they did keep me distracted enough to hold my emotions intact. Despite my distractions, my heart jumped when I heard the pastor introduce my grandma’s favorite verse as James 1:12. What were the odds that just days earlier, I had chosen my grandma’s favorite verse as a special one for me to remember for my Bible study?

In that moment, I felt a sadness and peace all at once. It seems as if God planned for me to have that verse waiting in the back of mind so that I’d recognize it when I heard it. God’s plans never cease to amaze me, and I am so grateful to Him for giving me that special moment and a memory that will last forever.

Grandma and Grandpa with my dad and uncle

The whole family — my dad is the one with the ornery grin!

One of my new favorite pictures of my grandma, now on display in my living room.

My grandparents holding their first great-grandchild, my son Owen.

All together on our wedding day all the way back in 2006.

Here we are together when I was around a year old.

It Feels Good to Feel Good

There are not sufficient words to describe how much I dislike being sick with a stomach bug. Even thinking about the combination of bodily excretions and general miserableness fills me with a sense of dread.

Most years, I’m fortunate enough to avoid it completely…but not this year. Good grief, definitely not this year.

We (as in Randy, the kids, and I) have had it twice — once right after Christmas and now just after Easter. Our families have shared a little more than the love this year, that’s for sure.

Luckily (if you can think of it that way), the post-Christmas flu hit us at separate times. First, Randy and Owen were sick; then about a week later, Archer and I succumbed to it. It sucked at the time, but was kind of a piece of cake compared to this week’s Easter bug.

All four of us were sick at the same time…with ONE bathroom. It’s not a pretty picture.

Somehow, we managed to make it through with minimal mess, which mostly came from Archer. It’s not his fault — he is only 15 months old after all. Owen, on the other hand, is seriously good at throwing up in a bucket. Is it weird that I’m proud of him for this?

After a long Sunday night and Monday, Tuesday morning dawned with hope, calm stomachs, and so much relief. As much as I dislike being sick, I love that day after when you feel better. It feels good to feel good. I took on the piles of laundry and overused bathroom with a fresh zeal (and sanitizer). I courageously drank my morning cup of coffee and ate a leftover enchilada for lunch.

I felt like Superwoman.

As a mom with two wild little boys, days like this don’t happen often, so I was sure to appreciate it. Who knows when the next one will come around?

Rumor Has It…Time Is Flying

I haven’t taken the time to write lately, so I figure it’s time for another random thoughts post. I hope for the sake of whoever is reading this that it doesn’t get too out there.

I suppose I’ll start by updating you on what’s new in our lives. First, we’re apparently moving! It was a surprise to me. Even though I know how the rumor mill works in small towns (that is, constantly), I still have a difficult time understanding why people choose to start and spread rumors without bothering to check their sources. It’s frustrating, but letting it bother me will accomplish nothing. It is what it is, and all we can do is set the story straight when someone brings it up.

Other than our little rumor, life is sailing along quickly and fairly smoothly. I’m kind of in disbelief that it’s nearly April. For awhile there, I truly did not think January would ever end, but now I would just like time to slow down a bit. I updated my marker board calendar with our April events the other night, and let me tell you, there’s a lot of ink on there. Between Easter, prewedding events for my sister, preschool round-up, MOPS stuff, and our tax appointment (yep, we’re really on top of things this year), I can tell this next month is going to absolutely zoom by. It hasn’t even started yet, and I already feel it slipping away.

There’s a lot to look forward to in months after April, however, so maybe I’m okay with it going by quickly. May brings my baby brother’s high school graduation, June is my sister’s big wedding month, and in July, I’ll become an aunt once again when my sister-in-law has her baby. We’ll be sending Owen off to preschool in August, and let me tell you, he is so darn excited. I’m not quite sure I’m ready, though, so I think if time could slow down for a bit during July, things will be hunky dory.

(However, one of my conditions is that during the slow-down in July, the temperature remains below 90 degrees with low humidity. If it’s too hot, I’m going to be wishing for autumn and probably not enjoying myself. I’d like to not be a summertime party pooper, so you’ve got to work with me, Mother Nature.)

Besides all we have planned, I’m anxious to see what this summer will bring. Perhaps Randy and I will have a baby announcement to share? I kind of hope so, but I should probably make it very clear for all the gossip fans out there that I’m not pregnant right now. I don’t want to inadvertently start the newest rumor about us!

Well, I’d say that’s about enough random thoughts from me for tonight. I’m a little distracted by a movie on Netflix at the moment anyway, and holy crap, it’s almost 1:30 in the morning. I really need to start working on this not staying up so late thing…maybe tomorrow.

We’ll see. For now, good night (or morning!).

Why I (Mostly) Gave Up Facebook for Lent

A few days before Lent begins, I take some time to think about how I want to spend the next 40 days in preparation for Easter. I always give something up, like pop or chocolate, and make an effort to spend more time in prayer and devotion. When I started to think about what I could give up this year, I instantly realized what I have way too much of in my life.

Facebook.

It’s literally at my fingertips all day long. All it takes is a quick tap on my phone to open the app and get sucked in. If I post a picture or status update, I feel like I’m on high alert to see how many people like or comment on it. Every time I see a notification pop up, I check it out. Every time I check out a notification, I scroll through my News Feed.

I might only be on for a few minutes at a time, but all those seemingly small pockets of time checked in to Facebook add up to more time checked out of real life with my family.

Besides the fact that I waste more time than I’d like to actually figure up on Facebook, there is another reason I decided to take a little break. As weird as it sounds, I sometimes find myself forming mental status updates. Say one of the boys does something funny; for some reason, my brain starts working out how I’d share it on Facebook. Weird.

I do not think Facebook is bad, however. I love posting pictures of my boys for friends and family to see. Facebook allows me to keep touch with old friends, promote my cupcake business, and  stay updated on happenings amongst my MOPS group. Heck, I’ll probably share this very blog post on Facebook.

Facebook is not the problem…it’s me on Facebook that is the problem.

This is why I mostly gave it up. For the duration of Lent, I am staying off Facebook until the boys are in bed. I’m teaching myself to be more patient and to not let a notification put a pause to playtime. Whatever happens will still be there later in the day. I’ve gotten so used to being a quick response person that I’ve let it become one of my main traits, and I’m not necessarily sure that’s a good thing.

I’m not going to lie. The first few days were difficult. What if that notification is someone asking a question or planning a last minute get together? Even though it would only take a second to check, I would probably end up wasting more time than I should. And I know I could delete the app off my phone so that I don’t see when notifications pop up, but I think that would defeat the purpose of withstanding the temptation.

Besides, I don’t want this to be just a Lent thing. I want to push time spent on Facebook way down on my list of priorities for good. It has it’s time and place, and the world will not stop turning if I don’t see everything posted. Now if I could just break my late-night Netflix habit, that would be great. Maybe next Lent!

Thoughts on January

Is it just me, or has it been January forever? I probably go through this same thought process every single year, but it feels like January is never going to end. It is just inching by, rubbing it in my face that magical Christmas winter is over, and giant, slushy, suckball winter is here to stay for the next three to four months.

Because let’s face it…April is still winter in Nebraska.

I’m not sure when January became such a bummer of a month, but I think it might have started the first year I was a stay-at-home mom. I love being home with our kids, but it can be kind of lonely — especially right after Christmas. All the hubbub and magic is whisked away (and I do believe post-Christmas depression is a real thing), and the boys and I basically spend our days inside, tucked away from the cold.

The stomach flu chewed up Owen and spit him back out.

It doesn’t help that there isn’t much going on in January. At the beginning of the month, both Archer and Randy had major birthdays (the big 1 and the BIG 3-0) , but the stomach flu and croup kind of put a damper on the celebrations. We haven’t even been able to leave the house for church or any of my little brother’s basketball games because we’ve just been hammered with sickness since the end of December.

However, I think a big cause of my ennui is something that has nothing to do with this month at all — my sister’s upcoming wedding. That’s probably really confusing, so let me explain. I am beyond excited about her wedding. I have her shower booked at a local vineyard, and I have so many ideas on Pinterest that I can’t even remember why I pinned half of them.

June cannot get here fast enough…and that’s the problem. When something exciting is approaching, time seems to slow down. As busy as the boys can keep me here at home, it’s not enough to make this month hurry on by.

But it will end (in less than 10 days now), and we’ll get out of our slump. Once again, time will start moving way too fast, and next thing I know, Court’s wedding will be here and gone and we’ll be halfway through the year.

Realizing that kind of puts thing in perspective. Time does fly by, and if for one month a year it slows down a bit, I should be grateful. I feel like my boys are growing up so fast, so maybe slow-moving January is really just God’s way to freeze time for me for a bit.

You know what? I take it back.

January’s not so bad after all.

I Resolve…

Happy 2015! This post is just a few days past due. I had every intention of sharing this on New Year’s Day; however, the stomach flu hit me that evening and changed my plans for the next couple of days. Thank goodness it’s over (for all four of us now) and please God, no more puking in our house.

I’m usually not big on New Year’s resolutions. I’ve made them in the past, only to forget them a month or two later. This year is different, though. Instead of just throwing something out there like, “I want to lose weight,” I’m being mindful about my resolutions. I’ve given them a lot of thought, and this is what I have come up with.`

1. I will place more value on my health.

A big part of my goal here is to lose weight; I can’t deny that. However, I also want to be healthier overall, not just for my sake, but also for my family’s sake. My boys deserve a mom who can keep up with them as they grow and become more and more active. I don’t have a problem with it now, but I’m not heading down a good path if I don’t make any changes. So far, I’ve given up pop, started drinking more water, and am trying to add more physical activity into my day, even if it’s just cranking up the credits to Madagascar and dancing like a lunatic with the boys.

2. I will nurture my relationship with my husband.

This is something I think about often, but fail miserably at. After being around the kids all day, the last thing I want is to take care of someone else who is perfectly capable of taking care of himself.

That’s a crappy attitude to have; I know.

I’m working on it, and I think I’ve figured out the root of my problem. You know how there’s supposed to be a hierarchy of relationships? God first, husband second, kids third? Well, I have that pretty much backwards. I put the kids’ needs before Randy’s in most situations. Sometimes it’s intentional, but more often, it’s just instinctual.

While I definitely wouldn’t say our marriage is in bad shape, it could use some TLC. I’m going to put my best effort into not complaining about silly little things like leaving the peanut butter out or tracking in some dirt. The peanut butter is easily put away and the dirt is easily swept, but the nagging is not as easily forgotten.

I also am going to take the time to be more loving toward my husband. Oftentimes he’ll swoop in for a hug or kiss only to have me dodge him. Why? Sometimes I’m busy cleaning or making supper, and sometimes I just need my space if one of the boys was a little extra clingy throughout the day. I’ve realized how unfair that is to Randy, though, and how crappy if probably makes him feel. It’s definitely not my intention, so I am going to be more aware of my actions and give my husband the attention he wants and deserves.

3. I will reach out to others more.

More conversations with friends, more phone calls, texts, Facebook messages…whatever it takes, I am going to keep in closer touch with the people who matter to me. Even if it’s just to say hello, I’m going to take the time to do so more often.

I also have made some new friends through my MOPS group, and I’d love to get to know them better. A lot of times, my lack of confidence holds me back from taking initiative to make connections, so I think reaching out is a good goal for me to really work at.

4. I will live more naturally and self-sufficiently.

Since becoming a mom, I’ve kind of slowly become more interested in ways to be more natural. It started with breastfeeding and cloth diapering and has now expanded to exploring essential oils and making more processed food items homemade (such as this cream of chicken soup, which is so good and so easy). It’s been a very slow transition, and I don’t think I’ll ever be super-crunchy (e.g., I actually switched from the more natural cloth diaper detergent to Tide because it got our diapers cleaner and is cheaper. And we still use disposables at nighttime.). I’m not trying to win an award or join some exclusive club. I just want to make decisions that work for our family.

In an attempt to be more self-sufficient, I tried to start my own garden this past summer. It utterly failed because I did not inherit my mom’s green thumb, but I will learn from my mistakes and try again this upcoming summer. Even though my garden did not grow, I was lucky to get tons of tomatoes, sweet corn, and green beans from my family and friends, and I am making sure they do not go to waste. I’ve never canned anything, but we have a decent sized upright freezer in our kitchen, which makes it easy to pull out a bag of sweet corn to heat up for dinner or a few tomatoes to make pizza/spaghetti sauce. I’m getting excited to try my garden again because I’m sure everything will taste a little bit better knowing I grew it.

5. I will spend more time with God.

Once again, here’s a place where I need to work on my hierarchy. My relationship with God has grown leaps and bounds in the past year, but I’m still not giving myself enough time to immerse myself in prayer and His word. I’d love to be one of those people who wakes up early and just spends some time in devotion before the kids wake up and the day starts.

But I’m totally not.

I think someday I will be that person, but right now, it’s hard. Sometimes the boys wake up early, and most mornings (who am I kidding — every morning), Archer is already in bed with me, and waking up early means taking the risk of waking him up too. (See, hierarchy issues.) Owen doesn’t take a nap anymore; therefore, I don’t get much alone time during the day. So I’ve decided I’m going to take the free chances I get, even if it’s just a few minutes here and there. It only takes a couple of minutes to read a daily devotion, and I can use it as food for thought throughout the day. Also, I can include the boys and make it special time for all of us together. I want my children to grow up knowing the love of God because I hope with all my heart it’s something they carry with them throughout their lives.

Well, that’s it. These are my resolutions for 2015. Even though I started out the year with the stomach flu, it’s looking to be a wonderful year full of growth. I can’t wait to see what it brings!